Souls entwined by similar minds

“Trees Forest” by Sebastian Unrau/ CC0 1.0

Tag: trauma

  • Misplaced

    I miss you
    Maybe this is misplaced
    Perhaps it is not you that I miss
    But him

    Who is he, you ask
    My father of course
    Who else could it be
    But him

    The gaping black hole that swallowed me whole 21 years ago
    The sheer density of which sucked me in and spat me out as a mere shadow of my former self
    I used to smile as a child and really mean it
    I used to feel safe

    I feel worried that writing these words will send me into a spiral
    That I will lose my mind all over again
    Magical thinking
    Is a terrible thing

    I reassure myself that the tingling in my fingers will go away if I don’t tend to it
    That it is only anxiety
    I wiggle my fingers to show myself
    That my mind has not once more trapped myself within it and held me hostage

    The split second before they move
    I hold my breath
    Waiting to see
    If madness has once more taken hold

    So you see
    I probably miss him and not you
    But I can never know
    As my body and mind will not let me go there

    They protect me fiercely, crippling me at the same time
    This is the only way they know how
    Maybe one day I will learn to be safely connected
    With this dark void within me, from which my guardians have for all these years protected

    My chest hurts.

  • Mind

    Mind;
    If you are me and I am you
    Shouldn’t we work together, us two?
    In a prison cell devoid of autonomy
    Is how you make me feel, can’t you see?

    You made me crazy, you made me numb
    I couldn’t speak, you made me dumb
    You nearly killed me, hurt me through and through
    And you made me damage my family too

    Can we ever learn to be friends?
    Before we come to our end?
    Consequences must be considered
    Lest we die and wither.

  • EMDR

    An empty space filled with pillars
    Dark and tall, ashen grey
    I’ve been there once before, I’ve visited this place
    I was horrified by what I saw, barren land of shame, guilt and disgrace

    There lived a girl there, small and cowering
    Covering her face and head with hands, stone pillars towering
    She hid behind one, and shook with fear
    As the malevolent character grew ever near

    Who is the malevolent one, smiling sinisterly?
    Searching for the small girl, and carrying a machete
    It turns out they are me, both different parts
    Part of my mind wants to kill the other, and to stab me in the heart.

    I discovered them some time ago, are they still there?
    I think they are, but I’m not consciously aware
    If I delve back into the depths of my mind
    I’m sure they’ll be there, quite easy to find

    Who is lurking in the corners of your mind?

  • Darkness Within

    There’s a darkness within me
    Even when I’m okay, I feel it bubbling away
    In the depths of me

    When will it resurface?
    It’s there, though I may seem not to care
    I’m scared of those feelings, they’re curses

    Like ever-expanding black hallways in the Navidson house,
    A gutteral growl, a foreboding sound
    Echoes from the chambers of my soul

    I could get lost in there
    No way back, tether snapped
    I fear it will be my inevitable demise

  • Why?

    Beauty from within
    Enhanced by that which is little bigger than a pin
    My pupils dilated when I saw you
    So I could take every inch of your soul in

    What a beautiful vessel for such beautiful essence
    You were ethereal, so much so that I could not make sense
    Of it – why should someone so luminous and kind feel so hollow?
    The question swallowed me whole, it was intense

    Shit.

  • Untethered

    You laughed
    I wanted to hold this image in my mind forever
    Will it be repressed when you’re gone?
    When I am untethered?

    To be untethered in this world is a terrifying thought
    Losing one parent meant losing my mind, this happened before, do you remember?
    To lose you as well, my sanity might well dwindle
    Turn from small fire to barely smouldering embers

    So when my mind’s gone to join you in the aether
    What will become of me?
    I’ll die when you die, and perhaps heavily sigh
    For a part of me will be lost at sea

  • Fear of Living

    So fragile and thin
    It’s buried within
    I’ll try to explain it
    But where to begin

    I first lost my mind
    When I was only a child
    It scared me, prepared me
    For a life of denial

    Denial of what?
    Stomach tied up in knots
    As I live full of fear
    Of eventual brain rot

    See I was never quite there
    And maybe life is unfair
    Still I’ll try, though I cry
    At my mind I still tear

  • Needles

    Fear can turn to anger
    I’ve seen this many times
    I know you only long to be free
    For your former life, you pine

    I’m so sorry that I did this to you
    I know it caused you pain
    Emotionally and physically
    And the trauma will remain

    It hurt me too, to go against your will
    The first time it shocked me, it haunts me still
    “I promise you it’s for the best”, in time we might see
    You are steadfast like a tree

    So after the storm, does the experience feel the same?
    When the calm has returned and you can smile again?
    I hope you can see it through a different lens
    As you begin to heal and mend

    Capacity was lost when you struggled the most
    I know it’s unfair, it was hell
    But remember this, precious neighbour
    You’ll have a story full of hope and better days, to tell

    You are amazing.

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