I miss you
Maybe this is misplaced
Perhaps it is not you that I miss
But him
Who is he, you ask
My father of course
Who else could it be
But him
The gaping black hole that swallowed me whole 21 years ago
The sheer density of which sucked me in and spat me out as a mere shadow of my former self
I used to smile as a child and really mean it
I used to feel safe
I feel worried that writing these words will send me into a spiral
That I will lose my mind all over again
Magical thinking
Is a terrible thing
I reassure myself that the tingling in my fingers will go away if I don’t tend to it
That it is only anxiety
I wiggle my fingers to show myself
That my mind has not once more trapped myself within it and held me hostage
The split second before they move
I hold my breath
Waiting to see
If madness has once more taken hold
So you see
I probably miss him and not you
But I can never know
As my body and mind will not let me go there
They protect me fiercely, crippling me at the same time
This is the only way they know how
Maybe one day I will learn to be safely connected
With this dark void within me, from which my guardians have for all these years protected
My chest hurts.
