There’s a darkness within me
Even when I’m okay, I feel it bubbling away
In the depths of me
When will it resurface?
It’s there, though I may seem not to care
I’m scared of those feelings, they’re curses
Like ever-expanding black hallways in the Navidson house,
A gutteral growl, a foreboding sound
Echoes from the chambers of my soul
I could get lost in there
No way back, tether snapped
I fear it will be my inevitable demise
Over-familiarity;
A term I used clinically
But lately I am developing some clarity
That it relates to… me
And how I relate to others
I am driven somehow
To reach out
and out
and out
To people who I don’t deeply know now
Why is this?
We knew each other in the past
And I wished that our knowing would last
Extend to the present
And the future
Perhaps eternity
So I continue this farce
But at what cost?
I keep you tethered
Though our relationship is weathered
As is my dignity
And your patience
And the illusion of a friendship
That would naturally be severed
If I let it die a natural death.
Beauty from within
Enhanced by that which is little bigger than a pin
My pupils dilated when I saw you
So I could take every inch of your soul in
What a beautiful vessel for such beautiful essence
You were ethereal, so much so that I could not make sense
Of it – why should someone so luminous and kind feel so hollow?
The question swallowed me whole, it was intense
Shit.
There is a place that only I know
In the depths of my mind, aglow
I can go there when frightened
And emerge, enlightened
From the peace that I find when I go
So what is it like, this haven, you ask
It’s a forest of trees under whose shade I bask
With a stream running through it
And and a row of shiny toilets upon which you can sit
If the need arises
It is sunny but shaded
Somewhat mystically aged
Flowers hugging the trees
No-one else around, just me
There is a wisdom beyond which you can imagine
I have a pillow and a blanket
But lie upon the grass, anchored
The grass is cool to the touch
The blanket just warm enough
The stream babbles and birds sing in the sky
So when frantic I feel
I abandon the real
And retreat inward
Hearing the word
“Beautiful” repeat.
Beautiful.
When, if ever, will you return?
Without you my soul burns
I don’t like the heat
Everyone leaves eventually
Some sooner than others
To strive for eternal love equals defeat
I have unhealthy attachments
Some too intense, others lacking
Is there a middle in which to meet?
Who am I referring to?
Myself? Another? An ex? My father?
Isolation so profound, I can’t speak
Sitting there one night
I decided to eat everything in sight
I hated myself long before this
So I decided to fill myself literally with shit
It felt good to fuck myself up
And so it became a habit that stuck
A slow painful death was what I deserved
According to the self-talk that I constantly heard
I wondered if I might bring on a heart attack
And that this would be a blessing in fact
No desire to live, hope draining as if in a sieve
I had nothing left to give
So consume I did, to excess, over and over
I became adept at being a self-loather
Hurting myself was better than being hurt by another
As that hurt was too painful from which to recover
Green light spinning round and round
Rain sounds playing, what a sound, what a sound
In my head the knife is calling
Will I make it to the morning?
We’ll have to see, as you see all logic is damned.
If moods are like the weather
And my favourite weather is rain
I hope it rains forever
To keep away the pain
The pain of living life
Beats me down, hottest sun
It’s truly unforgiving
Please hand me a gun
So fragile and thin
It’s buried within
I’ll try to explain it
But where to begin
I first lost my mind
When I was only a child
It scared me, prepared me
For a life of denial
Denial of what?
Stomach tied up in knots
As I live full of fear
Of eventual brain rot
See I was never quite there
And maybe life is unfair
Still I’ll try, though I cry
At my mind I still tear
