Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Sucks you in, crushes you down
Don’t make a noise, don’t make a sound
Empty black hole
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Can’t breathe, can’t scream
Can’t live, can’t dream
Empty black hole
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Can’t think, all is bleak
I must die, I’m a freak
Empty black hole
Am I dreaming?
No.
What’s that screaming?
Oh.
It’s in my head
I can’t believe you did this to me
I can’t believe I let you
10 years gone by, I hope I die
Maybe then I’ll relent and forget you.
I miss you
Maybe this is misplaced
Perhaps it is not you that I miss
But him
Who is he, you ask
My father of course
Who else could it be
But him
The gaping black hole that swallowed me whole 21 years ago
The sheer density of which sucked me in and spat me out as a mere shadow of my former self
I used to smile as a child and really mean it
I used to feel safe
I feel worried that writing these words will send me into a spiral
That I will lose my mind all over again
Magical thinking
Is a terrible thing
I reassure myself that the tingling in my fingers will go away if I don’t tend to it
That it is only anxiety
I wiggle my fingers to show myself
That my mind has not once more trapped myself within it and held me hostage
The split second before they move
I hold my breath
Waiting to see
If madness has once more taken hold
So you see
I probably miss him and not you
But I can never know
As my body and mind will not let me go there
They protect me fiercely, crippling me at the same time
This is the only way they know how
Maybe one day I will learn to be safely connected
With this dark void within me, from which my guardians have for all these years protected
My chest hurts.
Sleep eludes me
When will it come?
I feel relief, I feel ashamed
As I know what I’ve done.
Mind;
If you are me and I am you
Shouldn’t we work together, us two?
In a prison cell devoid of autonomy
Is how you make me feel, can’t you see?
You made me crazy, you made me numb
I couldn’t speak, you made me dumb
You nearly killed me, hurt me through and through
And you made me damage my family too
Can we ever learn to be friends?
Before we come to our end?
Consequences must be considered
Lest we die and wither.
An empty space filled with pillars
Dark and tall, ashen grey
I’ve been there once before, I’ve visited this place
I was horrified by what I saw, barren land of shame, guilt and disgrace
There lived a girl there, small and cowering
Covering her face and head with hands, stone pillars towering
She hid behind one, and shook with fear
As the malevolent character grew ever near
Who is the malevolent one, smiling sinisterly?
Searching for the small girl, and carrying a machete
It turns out they are me, both different parts
Part of my mind wants to kill the other, and to stab me in the heart.
I discovered them some time ago, are they still there?
I think they are, but I’m not consciously aware
If I delve back into the depths of my mind
I’m sure they’ll be there, quite easy to find
Who is lurking in the corners of your mind?
There’s a darkness within me
Even when I’m okay, I feel it bubbling away
In the depths of me
When will it resurface?
It’s there, though I may seem not to care
I’m scared of those feelings, they’re curses
Like ever-expanding black hallways in the Navidson house,
A gutteral growl, a foreboding sound
Echoes from the chambers of my soul
I could get lost in there
No way back, tether snapped
I fear it will be my inevitable demise
Over-familiarity;
A term I used clinically
But lately I am developing some clarity
That it relates to… me
And how I relate to others
I am driven somehow
To reach out
and out
and out
To people who I don’t deeply know now
Why is this?
We knew each other in the past
And I wished that our knowing would last
Extend to the present
And the future
Perhaps eternity
So I continue this farce
But at what cost?
I keep you tethered
Though our relationship is weathered
As is my dignity
And your patience
And the illusion of a friendship
That would naturally be severed
If I let it die a natural death.
