I miss you
Is it strange that I miss you, you who knew me only briefly several years ago?
Perhaps it is, but it’s true and my feelings are the only things I know to be real in this life
Everyone disappears, everything changes, the only constant is that
I miss you
There is no-one in the world I would like to be near right now, except for you
I’m not sure how you feel about this, a meeting of just us two
I want to say more, but I’ll keep this clean
It’s all about the dopamine
I’d like a hit in many senses of the word
Would you do this for me, would my request be heard?
I know what you could bring to the table
The thought of it makes me unstable
Back to the beginning, back to the primitive
No thoughts, just sensations to play with
And dopamine, one hit, then another
I’d definitely need some time to recover
Then back to the real world
My head in a swirl
Reality must always be found again
But we could play for a moment at least, my dopamine friend
Over-familiarity;
A term I used clinically
But lately I am developing some clarity
That it relates to… me
And how I relate to others
I am driven somehow
To reach out
and out
and out
To people who I don’t deeply know now
Why is this?
We knew each other in the past
And I wished that our knowing would last
Extend to the present
And the future
Perhaps eternity
So I continue this farce
But at what cost?
I keep you tethered
Though our relationship is weathered
As is my dignity
And your patience
And the illusion of a friendship
That would naturally be severed
If I let it die a natural death.
Beauty from within
Enhanced by that which is little bigger than a pin
My pupils dilated when I saw you
So I could take every inch of your soul in
What a beautiful vessel for such beautiful essence
You were ethereal, so much so that I could not make sense
Of it – why should someone so luminous and kind feel so hollow?
The question swallowed me whole, it was intense
Shit.
I’ve always viewed things in a certain way
But that view has changed today
Something has shifted, a veil somewhat lifted
I’ve learned some hard truths along the way
I kind of wish things weren’t so
But I think it’s important for me to know
What you have lived through, the shit that’s been put on you
It’s amazing that you still glow
So how do I reconcile these two worldviews?
Put myself in your shoes
But stand firmly in mine
At the same time?
I’ll try to accept the ebb and flow
Of my view of the past and what I now know
And be aware, but not curb my care
As my love for you truly flows
I’ll ride out this seismic shift of sorts,
Try to gather my shaken thoughts
Hold you all near me, and care for you dearly
And hopefully things won’t be too fraught
Throw a coin down the well
Make a wish but don’t tell
If you tell then it won’t come true
And if you don’t, it won’t too
I wished for you.
When, if ever, will you return?
Without you my soul burns
I don’t like the heat
Everyone leaves eventually
Some sooner than others
To strive for eternal love equals defeat
I have unhealthy attachments
Some too intense, others lacking
Is there a middle in which to meet?
Who am I referring to?
Myself? Another? An ex? My father?
Isolation so profound, I can’t speak
You laughed
I wanted to hold this image in my mind forever
Will it be repressed when you’re gone?
When I am untethered?
To be untethered in this world is a terrifying thought
Losing one parent meant losing my mind, this happened before, do you remember?
To lose you as well, my sanity might well dwindle
Turn from small fire to barely smouldering embers
So when my mind’s gone to join you in the aether
What will become of me?
I’ll die when you die, and perhaps heavily sigh
For a part of me will be lost at sea
What will become of me
When you are gone?
Will it be different to the last time?
How long do we have left?
Are our days numbered?
I wonder about this all the time
No-one can say
You tell me “live for each day”
Your wisdom divine
So when you do go
I’ll try not to follow
My memory of you enshrined
