I may not understand quantum mechanics
But I do know this
I hate you
Whether you observe me or not
I still hate you
Unobserved, I can both love you and hate you simultaneously
But lay your eyes on me and I must choose one
And it will always be hate
Schrödinger’s love died in the box I’m afraid
The box you sealed and left it in there to die with nothing but toxic air to breathe
What a relief when it was gone
Go fuck yourself in the corner of my mind that I have to push you into to survive
I miss you
Is it strange that I miss you, you who knew me only briefly several years ago?
Perhaps it is, but it’s true and my feelings are the only things I know to be real in this life
Everyone disappears, everything changes, the only constant is that
I miss you
Lonely willow, swaying in the wind
Through your branches the breeze does sing
Is this truly all I can bring
To a world so broken with such suffering?
I saw them locked up, with no place to go
Through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows
Some detached completely from the world in which they live
Some say they are mad, but they have so much to give
Just a little help needed to come back from hell
I thought I could help them, try and break the spell
But by doing so grew weaker, ever nearing the abyss
Really irony, what the fuck is this?
So now I sell petrol and chocolate bars too
Not very fulfilling, but I guess it’ll do
If it means I can thrive and not end up there too
I’ll hold my head high and ask “how are you?”
Over-familiarity;
A term I used clinically
But lately I am developing some clarity
That it relates to… me
And how I relate to others
I am driven somehow
To reach out
and out
and out
To people who I don’t deeply know now
Why is this?
We knew each other in the past
And I wished that our knowing would last
Extend to the present
And the future
Perhaps eternity
So I continue this farce
But at what cost?
I keep you tethered
Though our relationship is weathered
As is my dignity
And your patience
And the illusion of a friendship
That would naturally be severed
If I let it die a natural death.
I dreamt that you tamed sharks – why couldn’t you tame the shark within?
So beautiful in your enclosure
Until the moments of your exposure
Self defence made you so tense, from what?
When the truth surfaced you attacked it with force
Malignant in your ways, vitriol lasted for days
Every compliment I uttered was like a harpoon to your heart
You didn’t believe in us, from the start
Love gave way to suspicion and dismay
Relating to one another began to fray
So when I think of your glistening teeth
So sharp in your dangerous jaws
I think thank fuck and feel relief
That I am no longer yours
Throw a coin down the well
Make a wish but don’t tell
If you tell then it won’t come true
And if you don’t, it won’t too
I wished for you.
When, if ever, will you return?
Without you my soul burns
I don’t like the heat
Everyone leaves eventually
Some sooner than others
To strive for eternal love equals defeat
I have unhealthy attachments
Some too intense, others lacking
Is there a middle in which to meet?
Who am I referring to?
Myself? Another? An ex? My father?
Isolation so profound, I can’t speak
Sitting there one night
I decided to eat everything in sight
I hated myself long before this
So I decided to fill myself literally with shit
It felt good to fuck myself up
And so it became a habit that stuck
A slow painful death was what I deserved
According to the self-talk that I constantly heard
I wondered if I might bring on a heart attack
And that this would be a blessing in fact
No desire to live, hope draining as if in a sieve
I had nothing left to give
So consume I did, to excess, over and over
I became adept at being a self-loather
Hurting myself was better than being hurt by another
As that hurt was too painful from which to recover
You laughed
I wanted to hold this image in my mind forever
Will it be repressed when you’re gone?
When I am untethered?
To be untethered in this world is a terrifying thought
Losing one parent meant losing my mind, this happened before, do you remember?
To lose you as well, my sanity might well dwindle
Turn from small fire to barely smouldering embers
So when my mind’s gone to join you in the aether
What will become of me?
I’ll die when you die, and perhaps heavily sigh
For a part of me will be lost at sea
What will become of me
When you are gone?
Will it be different to the last time?
How long do we have left?
Are our days numbered?
I wonder about this all the time
No-one can say
You tell me “live for each day”
Your wisdom divine
So when you do go
I’ll try not to follow
My memory of you enshrined
