Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Sucks you in, crushes you down
Don’t make a noise, don’t make a sound
Empty black hole
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Can’t breathe, can’t scream
Can’t live, can’t dream
Empty black hole
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Can’t think, all is bleak
I must die, I’m a freak
Empty black hole
I can’t believe you did this to me
I can’t believe I let you
10 years gone by, I hope I die
Maybe then I’ll relent and forget you.
I miss you
Maybe this is misplaced
Perhaps it is not you that I miss
But him
Who is he, you ask
My father of course
Who else could it be
But him
The gaping black hole that swallowed me whole 21 years ago
The sheer density of which sucked me in and spat me out as a mere shadow of my former self
I used to smile as a child and really mean it
I used to feel safe
I feel worried that writing these words will send me into a spiral
That I will lose my mind all over again
Magical thinking
Is a terrible thing
I reassure myself that the tingling in my fingers will go away if I don’t tend to it
That it is only anxiety
I wiggle my fingers to show myself
That my mind has not once more trapped myself within it and held me hostage
The split second before they move
I hold my breath
Waiting to see
If madness has once more taken hold
So you see
I probably miss him and not you
But I can never know
As my body and mind will not let me go there
They protect me fiercely, crippling me at the same time
This is the only way they know how
Maybe one day I will learn to be safely connected
With this dark void within me, from which my guardians have for all these years protected
My chest hurts.
Let’s go down the white road you said
And down we went together
We walked and walked in the beautiful snow
Until one day you left me alone
It had never felt as cold as that day
Everything turned hostile and grey
I’m still there you know, shivering and alone
And you live your life separately, to me unknown
Emptiness
Hollow chest
Only excess
To fill the nothingness
I may not understand quantum mechanics
But I do know this
I hate you
Whether you observe me or not
I still hate you
Unobserved, I can both love you and hate you simultaneously
But lay your eyes on me and I must choose one
And it will always be hate
Schrödinger’s love died in the box I’m afraid
The box you sealed and left it in there to die with nothing but toxic air to breathe
What a relief when it was gone
Go fuck yourself in the corner of my mind that I have to push you into to survive
I miss you
Is it strange that I miss you, you who knew me only briefly several years ago?
Perhaps it is, but it’s true and my feelings are the only things I know to be real in this life
Everyone disappears, everything changes, the only constant is that
I miss you
Lonely willow, swaying in the wind
Through your branches the breeze does sing
Is this truly all I can bring
To a world so broken with such suffering?
I saw them locked up, with no place to go
Through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows
Some detached completely from the world in which they live
Some say they are mad, but they have so much to give
Just a little help needed to come back from hell
I thought I could help them, try and break the spell
But by doing so grew weaker, ever nearing the abyss
Really irony, what the fuck is this?
So now I sell petrol and chocolate bars too
Not very fulfilling, but I guess it’ll do
If it means I can thrive and not end up there too
I’ll hold my head high and ask “how are you?”
Over-familiarity;
A term I used clinically
But lately I am developing some clarity
That it relates to… me
And how I relate to others
I am driven somehow
To reach out
and out
and out
To people who I don’t deeply know now
Why is this?
We knew each other in the past
And I wished that our knowing would last
Extend to the present
And the future
Perhaps eternity
So I continue this farce
But at what cost?
I keep you tethered
Though our relationship is weathered
As is my dignity
And your patience
And the illusion of a friendship
That would naturally be severed
If I let it die a natural death.
