Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Sucks you in, crushes you down
Don’t make a noise, don’t make a sound
Empty black hole
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Can’t breathe, can’t scream
Can’t live, can’t dream
Empty black hole
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Can’t think, all is bleak
I must die, I’m a freak
Empty black hole
I can’t believe you did this to me
I can’t believe I let you
10 years gone by, I hope I die
Maybe then I’ll relent and forget you.
I miss you
Maybe this is misplaced
Perhaps it is not you that I miss
But him
Who is he, you ask
My father of course
Who else could it be
But him
The gaping black hole that swallowed me whole 21 years ago
The sheer density of which sucked me in and spat me out as a mere shadow of my former self
I used to smile as a child and really mean it
I used to feel safe
I feel worried that writing these words will send me into a spiral
That I will lose my mind all over again
Magical thinking
Is a terrible thing
I reassure myself that the tingling in my fingers will go away if I don’t tend to it
That it is only anxiety
I wiggle my fingers to show myself
That my mind has not once more trapped myself within it and held me hostage
The split second before they move
I hold my breath
Waiting to see
If madness has once more taken hold
So you see
I probably miss him and not you
But I can never know
As my body and mind will not let me go there
They protect me fiercely, crippling me at the same time
This is the only way they know how
Maybe one day I will learn to be safely connected
With this dark void within me, from which my guardians have for all these years protected
My chest hurts.
Let’s go down the white road you said
And down we went together
We walked and walked in the beautiful snow
Until one day you left me alone
It had never felt as cold as that day
Everything turned hostile and grey
I’m still there you know, shivering and alone
And you live your life separately, to me unknown
I miss you
Is it strange that I miss you, you who knew me only briefly several years ago?
Perhaps it is, but it’s true and my feelings are the only things I know to be real in this life
Everyone disappears, everything changes, the only constant is that
I miss you
Lonely willow, swaying in the wind
Through your branches the breeze does sing
Is this truly all I can bring
To a world so broken with such suffering?
I saw them locked up, with no place to go
Through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows
Some detached completely from the world in which they live
Some say they are mad, but they have so much to give
Just a little help needed to come back from hell
I thought I could help them, try and break the spell
But by doing so grew weaker, ever nearing the abyss
Really irony, what the fuck is this?
So now I sell petrol and chocolate bars too
Not very fulfilling, but I guess it’ll do
If it means I can thrive and not end up there too
I’ll hold my head high and ask “how are you?”
I dreamt that you tamed sharks – why couldn’t you tame the shark within?
So beautiful in your enclosure
Until the moments of your exposure
Self defence made you so tense, from what?
When the truth surfaced you attacked it with force
Malignant in your ways, vitriol lasted for days
Every compliment I uttered was like a harpoon to your heart
You didn’t believe in us, from the start
Love gave way to suspicion and dismay
Relating to one another began to fray
So when I think of your glistening teeth
So sharp in your dangerous jaws
I think thank fuck and feel relief
That I am no longer yours
When, if ever, will you return?
Without you my soul burns
I don’t like the heat
Everyone leaves eventually
Some sooner than others
To strive for eternal love equals defeat
I have unhealthy attachments
Some too intense, others lacking
Is there a middle in which to meet?
Who am I referring to?
Myself? Another? An ex? My father?
Isolation so profound, I can’t speak
You laughed
I wanted to hold this image in my mind forever
Will it be repressed when you’re gone?
When I am untethered?
To be untethered in this world is a terrifying thought
Losing one parent meant losing my mind, this happened before, do you remember?
To lose you as well, my sanity might well dwindle
Turn from small fire to barely smouldering embers
So when my mind’s gone to join you in the aether
What will become of me?
I’ll die when you die, and perhaps heavily sigh
For a part of me will be lost at sea
