There’s a darkness within me
Even when I’m okay, I feel it bubbling away
In the depths of me
When will it resurface?
It’s there, though I may seem not to care
I’m scared of those feelings, they’re curses
Like ever-expanding black hallways in the Navidson house,
A gutteral growl, a foreboding sound
Echoes from the chambers of my soul
I could get lost in there
No way back, tether snapped
I fear it will be my inevitable demise
I may not understand quantum mechanics
But I do know this
I hate you
Whether you observe me or not
I still hate you
Unobserved, I can both love you and hate you simultaneously
But lay your eyes on me and I must choose one
And it will always be hate
Schrödinger’s love died in the box I’m afraid
The box you sealed and left it in there to die with nothing but toxic air to breathe
What a relief when it was gone
Go fuck yourself in the corner of my mind that I have to push you into to survive
I miss you
Is it strange that I miss you, you who knew me only briefly several years ago?
Perhaps it is, but it’s true and my feelings are the only things I know to be real in this life
Everyone disappears, everything changes, the only constant is that
I miss you
There is no-one in the world I would like to be near right now, except for you
I’m not sure how you feel about this, a meeting of just us two
I want to say more, but I’ll keep this clean
It’s all about the dopamine
I’d like a hit in many senses of the word
Would you do this for me, would my request be heard?
I know what you could bring to the table
The thought of it makes me unstable
Back to the beginning, back to the primitive
No thoughts, just sensations to play with
And dopamine, one hit, then another
I’d definitely need some time to recover
Then back to the real world
My head in a swirl
Reality must always be found again
But we could play for a moment at least, my dopamine friend
Lonely willow, swaying in the wind
Through your branches the breeze does sing
Is this truly all I can bring
To a world so broken with such suffering?
I saw them locked up, with no place to go
Through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows
Some detached completely from the world in which they live
Some say they are mad, but they have so much to give
Just a little help needed to come back from hell
I thought I could help them, try and break the spell
But by doing so grew weaker, ever nearing the abyss
Really irony, what the fuck is this?
So now I sell petrol and chocolate bars too
Not very fulfilling, but I guess it’ll do
If it means I can thrive and not end up there too
I’ll hold my head high and ask “how are you?”
Over-familiarity;
A term I used clinically
But lately I am developing some clarity
That it relates to… me
And how I relate to others
I am driven somehow
To reach out
and out
and out
To people who I don’t deeply know now
Why is this?
We knew each other in the past
And I wished that our knowing would last
Extend to the present
And the future
Perhaps eternity
So I continue this farce
But at what cost?
I keep you tethered
Though our relationship is weathered
As is my dignity
And your patience
And the illusion of a friendship
That would naturally be severed
If I let it die a natural death.
Beauty from within
Enhanced by that which is little bigger than a pin
My pupils dilated when I saw you
So I could take every inch of your soul in
What a beautiful vessel for such beautiful essence
You were ethereal, so much so that I could not make sense
Of it – why should someone so luminous and kind feel so hollow?
The question swallowed me whole, it was intense
Shit.
There is a place that only I know
In the depths of my mind, aglow
I can go there when frightened
And emerge, enlightened
From the peace that I find when I go
So what is it like, this haven, you ask
It’s a forest of trees under whose shade I bask
With a stream running through it
And and a row of shiny toilets upon which you can sit
If the need arises
It is sunny but shaded
Somewhat mystically aged
Flowers hugging the trees
No-one else around, just me
There is a wisdom beyond which you can imagine
I have a pillow and a blanket
But lie upon the grass, anchored
The grass is cool to the touch
The blanket just warm enough
The stream babbles and birds sing in the sky
So when frantic I feel
I abandon the real
And retreat inward
Hearing the word
“Beautiful” repeat.
Beautiful.
I’ve always viewed things in a certain way
But that view has changed today
Something has shifted, a veil somewhat lifted
I’ve learned some hard truths along the way
I kind of wish things weren’t so
But I think it’s important for me to know
What you have lived through, the shit that’s been put on you
It’s amazing that you still glow
So how do I reconcile these two worldviews?
Put myself in your shoes
But stand firmly in mine
At the same time?
I’ll try to accept the ebb and flow
Of my view of the past and what I now know
And be aware, but not curb my care
As my love for you truly flows
I’ll ride out this seismic shift of sorts,
Try to gather my shaken thoughts
Hold you all near me, and care for you dearly
And hopefully things won’t be too fraught
I dreamt that you tamed sharks – why couldn’t you tame the shark within?
So beautiful in your enclosure
Until the moments of your exposure
Self defence made you so tense, from what?
When the truth surfaced you attacked it with force
Malignant in your ways, vitriol lasted for days
Every compliment I uttered was like a harpoon to your heart
You didn’t believe in us, from the start
Love gave way to suspicion and dismay
Relating to one another began to fray
So when I think of your glistening teeth
So sharp in your dangerous jaws
I think thank fuck and feel relief
That I am no longer yours
