Souls entwined by similar minds

“Trees Forest” by Sebastian Unrau/ CC0 1.0

Author: Claire

  • I Let You

    I can’t believe you did this to me
    I can’t believe I let you
    10 years gone by, I hope I die
    Maybe then I’ll relent and forget you.

  • Misplaced

    I miss you
    Maybe this is misplaced
    Perhaps it is not you that I miss
    But him

    Who is he, you ask
    My father of course
    Who else could it be
    But him

    The gaping black hole that swallowed me whole 21 years ago
    The sheer density of which sucked me in and spat me out as a mere shadow of my former self
    I used to smile as a child and really mean it
    I used to feel safe

    I feel worried that writing these words will send me into a spiral
    That I will lose my mind all over again
    Magical thinking
    Is a terrible thing

    I reassure myself that the tingling in my fingers will go away if I don’t tend to it
    That it is only anxiety
    I wiggle my fingers to show myself
    That my mind has not once more trapped myself within it and held me hostage

    The split second before they move
    I hold my breath
    Waiting to see
    If madness has once more taken hold

    So you see
    I probably miss him and not you
    But I can never know
    As my body and mind will not let me go there

    They protect me fiercely, crippling me at the same time
    This is the only way they know how
    Maybe one day I will learn to be safely connected
    With this dark void within me, from which my guardians have for all these years protected

    My chest hurts.

  • Down the White Road

    Let’s go down the white road you said
    And down we went together
    We walked and walked in the beautiful snow
    Until one day you left me alone

    It had never felt as cold as that day
    Everything turned hostile and grey
    I’m still there you know, shivering and alone
    And you live your life separately, to me unknown

  • Sleepless

    Sleep eludes me
    When will it come?
    I feel relief, I feel ashamed
    As I know what I’ve done.

  • Mind

    Mind;
    If you are me and I am you
    Shouldn’t we work together, us two?
    In a prison cell devoid of autonomy
    Is how you make me feel, can’t you see?

    You made me crazy, you made me numb
    I couldn’t speak, you made me dumb
    You nearly killed me, hurt me through and through
    And you made me damage my family too

    Can we ever learn to be friends?
    Before we come to our end?
    Consequences must be considered
    Lest we die and wither.

  • EMDR

    An empty space filled with pillars
    Dark and tall, ashen grey
    I’ve been there once before, I’ve visited this place
    I was horrified by what I saw, barren land of shame, guilt and disgrace

    There lived a girl there, small and cowering
    Covering her face and head with hands, stone pillars towering
    She hid behind one, and shook with fear
    As the malevolent character grew ever near

    Who is the malevolent one, smiling sinisterly?
    Searching for the small girl, and carrying a machete
    It turns out they are me, both different parts
    Part of my mind wants to kill the other, and to stab me in the heart.

    I discovered them some time ago, are they still there?
    I think they are, but I’m not consciously aware
    If I delve back into the depths of my mind
    I’m sure they’ll be there, quite easy to find

    Who is lurking in the corners of your mind?

  • Nothingness

    Emptiness
    Hollow chest
    Only excess
    To fill the nothingness

  • Always

    I feel like my throat is cut
    As fresh as 9 years ago
    Why is this?
    What’s wrong with me?

    Attachment issues
    Feeling close to those so far away
    And alienated from those who reside close
    It’s fucked up to say the least

    We may have grown apart
    Over the years
    But I really love you, you know
    As odd as this may seem

    How could I not?
    I try incessantly to connect
    It’s really not fair on either
    So I’ll say goodbye

    But I am always here if you need me.

    Always.

  • Darkness Within

    There’s a darkness within me
    Even when I’m okay, I feel it bubbling away
    In the depths of me

    When will it resurface?
    It’s there, though I may seem not to care
    I’m scared of those feelings, they’re curses

    Like ever-expanding black hallways in the Navidson house,
    A gutteral growl, a foreboding sound
    Echoes from the chambers of my soul

    I could get lost in there
    No way back, tether snapped
    I fear it will be my inevitable demise

  • Toxic

    I may not understand quantum mechanics
    But I do know this
    I hate you
    Whether you observe me or not
    I still hate you

    Unobserved, I can both love you and hate you simultaneously
    But lay your eyes on me and I must choose one
    And it will always be hate

    Schrödinger’s love died in the box I’m afraid
    The box you sealed and left it in there to die with nothing but toxic air to breathe
    What a relief when it was gone

    Go fuck yourself in the corner of my mind that I have to push you into to survive

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