Visions tortured me through the night
Racing thoughts relentless
Images violent
Angry tyrant
Eating my own flesh
Mixed state madness
Slice a piece off and put it in the frying pan
It’s sizzling hot
Sane? I’m not
Couldn’t get out of my head
On and on it went
Body gave in, in the end
Two hours of peace
I emerged
Quite perturbed
Checked out, inwardly dead
If I hung from the rail
Perhaps it would squeeze the mess from my mind
Let the poison out
Stab of a knife
No more strife
Just flesh and blood
You’re insightful
You look at me and see me for all that I am
You are delightful
It’s rare to find a person like you
I wish that I could kiss away your scars
Make them fade away and take back your pain
I want to bathe with you under the light of a thousand stars
And hope that someday you might feel the same
I love you, and all that you are.
I always want to talk to you
After certain acts
But really what I ought to do
Is face the facts
Apathy towards me
Is plain and clear
Couldn’t you just hate me or like me, or ANYTHING but
Just apathy? It’s what I fear
Sap through the leaves of these ever-lasting trees
My love for you floats on the soft cool breeze
It floats far, it floats near, it dances through the trees
And brings me down upon my bruised knees
I’m down here for you, my heart cut in two
One piece for me, and another for you
Mine infused red, but yours growing blue
It’s oxygen-starved, with its pallid pale hue
How did I get here, and what do I fear?
My knees hurt, my posture slumps and my eyes fill with tears
I know you’ll never love me back, it’s futile being here
These are the truths that taunt me, their veracity grows clear
But still I kneel down, and here I will stay
My heart yearns and my stomach churns for yet another day
She’s foolish and lives in a fantasy land, I hear everyone say
But perhaps one day you’ll look at me and my devotion will hold sway
Are you okay tonight, or are you filled with fright?
Was it me? Now I see, that I’ve added to your plight
I told you I could be intense, it seems that forewarning was right
So I’ll hold myself back from flooding you with love, I’ll do this with all of my might
You’re so apathetic
Towards me
I feel pathetic
Eventually you’ll message
And be so apologetic
Please don’t apologise I’ll say
Just refrain
And I’ll smile
And you’ll nod
And I won’t tell you
That I’ve been going slowly insane
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Sucks you in, crushes you down
Don’t make a noise, don’t make a sound
Empty black hole
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Can’t breathe, can’t scream
Can’t live, can’t dream
Empty black hole
Empty black hole
Gaping hole for a soul
Can’t think, all is bleak
I must die, I’m a freak
Empty black hole
Am I dreaming?
No.
What’s that screaming?
Oh.
It’s in my head
I can’t believe you did this to me
I can’t believe I let you
10 years gone by, I hope I die
Maybe then I’ll relent and forget you.
I miss you
Maybe this is misplaced
Perhaps it is not you that I miss
But him
Who is he, you ask
My father of course
Who else could it be
But him
The gaping black hole that swallowed me whole 21 years ago
The sheer density of which sucked me in and spat me out as a mere shadow of my former self
I used to smile as a child and really mean it
I used to feel safe
I feel worried that writing these words will send me into a spiral
That I will lose my mind all over again
Magical thinking
Is a terrible thing
I reassure myself that the tingling in my fingers will go away if I don’t tend to it
That it is only anxiety
I wiggle my fingers to show myself
That my mind has not once more trapped myself within it and held me hostage
The split second before they move
I hold my breath
Waiting to see
If madness has once more taken hold
So you see
I probably miss him and not you
But I can never know
As my body and mind will not let me go there
They protect me fiercely, crippling me at the same time
This is the only way they know how
Maybe one day I will learn to be safely connected
With this dark void within me, from which my guardians have for all these years protected
My chest hurts.
Let’s go down the white road you said
And down we went together
We walked and walked in the beautiful snow
Until one day you left me alone
It had never felt as cold as that day
Everything turned hostile and grey
I’m still there you know, shivering and alone
And you live your life separately, to me unknown
